Worth it.

The physiotherapist told me...

"No more than 10 minutes at a time increasing to 30 minutes over a period of 7-10 days." 

I may not have paid any attention to that.  

I may in fact have simply launched myself back into playing with verve and vigor and the first day played for an hour...or maybe two.  Then I may have spent the next day and a half moaning about the ache in my shoulder, picking up the cello while looking around guiltily for any witnesses, playing for 15 minutes, putting it back on its stand again, and moaning some more.

Worth it.  

When I picked up my cello again, it all came back to me.  I found the practising I had done in my head while not being able to play had actually STUCK.  That the bow hand exercises I had cursed at every time I dropped the bow, had actually worked.  Music that I had been reading like it was a trashy novel leaped to life.  I could hear the difference in the way I sounded.  I could feel the confidence in my bow hold and the way I moved it across a string.  I learnt so much by NOT playing.  More than I realised I needed to learn.  It was like taking a breath after you have been holding it for awhile.

Worth it.

The break from playing was hard.  It was forced.  I resented it.  I may have hurt physically, I may have despaired mentally, I may have felt longing like I had separated from my love...

but it was all...

so...

very....

WORTH IT.

A small break or rather a dislocated shoulder

So, I dislocated my left shoulder slipping on the floor and tore a couple of ligaments.  8 hours in Emergency and I have been put in a sling, ordered off the cello playing for a week (not that I COULD play anyway because it HURTS and I can't lift my arm enough to settle them on the strings), and then physio on the shoulder after that. Hopefully, I will be back to playing in a couple of weeks.

My poor cello lays sleeping in its soft case on the floor.  I haven't had the heart to unpack it and put it on its stand.  I miss playing.  My hand misses the bow curled in its fingers.  My arms the pressure of the bow on its string.  I can see callouses I never noticed before on my left hand fingers and can feel the loss of sensation that comes with them except for when I am placing them on the strings.  Music sits unplayed and unopened on sidetables.

It is quiet.

Taking my music outdoors

Yesterday was such a lovely day.  I didn't want to be sitting inside when the kids were outside playing.  I DID however want to play my cello.  So outside I went, with my cello, music and stand, coffee and the kids.  I have a raised back deck so it actually felt a lot like playing on stage, especially with all the neighbours out and about enjoying the good weather.

While I felt a little self conscious at first, (as I am very terrible and usually play indoors in a closed room), I found myself forgetting that there were other people around and relaxing.  I played for about an hour.  I went over the pieces I had set for homework, which are actually starting to come together after some very frustrating days of getting nowhere and feeling like I was playing with bananas for fingers. I played scales and arpeggios. I improvised exercises that forced my fingers to move up, down and across strings with extensions. I even learned a couple of new pieces from Cello Time Runners. It was actually a really joyful and stress free practice session.

With Summer coming up, I think this is something I will do more often.  Taking to the outside with my cello and playing gave me a different mindset, it took away the pressure and reminded me to relax and ENJOY the time I have with my instrument.

State of mind

I am playing a piece that I am finding frustrating.  I know it is teaching me practical things...Finger extensions, a new key, patience <sigh>.  It is a simple little piece, "Allegretto" by Mozart.  The note lengths are easy, it is an uncomplicated tune. I still sound like the moaning of a walrus in its death throes.

Some days when I practice, I fly through new pieces.  My fingers hit the right spots, my timing is just right.  It is a joy and I feel like the cello and I are best friends having this great conversation.  I can spend hours playing at times like that.

Other days are a cranky pit of frustration complete with a dialogue of, "How can you not get this? How many times have you played that note wrong? How many more times are you going to playing that quaver as a crotchet?" The more I berate myself, the worse I feel and the worse I feel, the more terrible is my playing.  There comes a point where I have to just put the cello away.

When my attitude is bad, when it all feels like an insurmountable chore, it feels like I am fighting with my cello.  We are at odds and I need time and space to clear my head, improve my mood and come slinking back apologetically.

So right now, I am sulking.  But soon I will turn to face my cello, smile and be sorry I said such harsh words.  I will pick up the bow and start a new conversation.

P.S.  One thing I DID learn today though, was to check my bow to make sure it is properly rosined.  I was having a lot of trouble playing simple notes without excessive force and groaning, so I rosined my bow and found it made SUCH a difference.  I know it is something so fundamental to playing and making sound, but sometimes the littlest things still escape my notice.